All my tears have been used up
by Tahlia Mckinnon
Summary: 'I didn't know that I could kill a man'. Cook's on the run, Naomi's keeping secrets and Effy has nothing to give anymore. Filling in the blanks pre/post Fire and Rise. Hopefully some closure for you all.
1. Author's Note

**AUTHOR'S NOTE.**

While in mourning for the death of SKINS, my emotions became a cocktail of sorrow, horror and anger at the ambiguity of it all. However, through this lamentation, two songs came to the forefront of my mind. Of course, I do not own the rights; they belong to _Mumford and Sons _and _Birdy. _But I just wanted to share with you the inspiration behind this story and hope that will help you join the dots together behind my reasoning for what takes place. I would recommend listening to the following tracks while reading to add some dimension. I'm hoping this will provide you with the closure that we are all missing.

**(FOR COOK) MUMFORD AND SONS – DUSTBOWL DANCE**

The young man stands on the edge of his porch.

The days were short and the father was gone.

There was no one in the town and no one in the field.

This dusty barren land had given all it could yield.

I've been kicked off my land at the age of sixteen,

And I have no idea where else my heart could have been.

I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill,

And now I am sure my heart can never be still.

So collect your courage and collect your horse,

And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse.

Seal my heart and break my pride.

I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide.

Align my heart - my body - my mind

To face what I've done and do my time.

Well you are my accuser, now look in my face.

Your oppression reeks of your greed and disgrace.

So one man has and another has not.

How can you love what it is you have got?

When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor?

Liars and thieves you know not what is in store.

There will come a time I will look in your eye,

You will pray to the God that you've always denied.

Then I'll go out back and I'll get my gun.

I'll say, "You haven't met me, I am the only son."

Well, yes sir - yes sir - yes, it was me.

I know what I've done, 'cause I know what I've seen.

I went out back and I got my gun

I said, "You haven't met me, I am the only son."

_I believe that these words sum up Cook's journey perfectly. From dysfunctional beginnings, to an uncomfortably dark youth, into a bleak and lonely future. This song is all about acceptance, responsibility and redemption – three key ingredients that have contributed to his story. He has learned so much and seen so much along the way and yet, while he is on the run in RISE, he admits that he cannot escape the pasts. Cook graced the screen as a character we loved to loathe. He appeared to completely lack remorse; careless with his actions with no thought for the consequences and damage to another's feelings. He seemed to have his own best interests at heart. However, what we have learned while watching this undeniably amazing character develop, is that he has more heart and soul than the rest of them put together. Previously, Cook shied away from his genuine being through insecurity, fear of rejection and a lack of self-love. Everyone he has ever cared about has shit on him or left him. His parents have neglected him, the love of his life has pushed him away, his friends have turned their backs – and in the end, his best friend in the entire world suffers an ill fate and dies at the hands of a psychopath. I think the final scenes of RISE were really clever as Emma's death significantly references back to Freddie's last moments. With this fic, not only did I want to fill in the blanks, but I wanted to show Cook's progression into becoming a man. A man that no longer wants to live in the darkness; a man that knows what must become of him; a man that has finally accepted who he is._

**(FOR EFFY) BIRDY – PEOPLE HELP THE PEOPLE**

God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts.

Guess he kissed the girls and made them cry,

Those hard-faced queens of misadventure.

God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken lives.

Fiery throngs of muted angels,

Giving love but getting nothing back.

People help the people

And if you're homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it.

People help the people

And nothing will drag you down.

Oh and if I had a brain,

I'd be cold as a stone and rich as a fool

That turned all those good hearts away.

God knows what is hiding in this world of little consequence.

Behind the tears, inside the lies,

A thousand slowly dying sunsets.

God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts.

Guess the loneliness came knocking

No one needs to be alone.

_The one element of FIRE that really astonished me was Effy's lack of growth. Sure, the aesthetics had changed – leather and studs traded in for sexy, satin gowns – but throughout the episode, Effy was constantly trying to be something she was not. She is not a numerical genius, nor a ball-busting businesswoman. I wanted to explore this throughout the fic. Effy is so desperate to escape her past and forget the pain and suffering she has endured, but in the process is ever more the cold and empty vessel she has always been. Everything about her new life is on the exterior, nothing internal has changed. She's still self-indulgent, still selfish with her emotions and still manages to hurt everybody around her. She is unable to be there for Naomi in her time of need and consistently manipulates Dominic for her own gain. I wanted to exhibit the reasons behind this throughout this story, as they are inherent parts of Effy's character. It is only within the final moments of FIRE that Effy actually steps up to the mark and accepts what she has done to everybody around her. As always, she was so easily seduced by the dominant authority figure (as she was with Freddie) and she is constantly seeking out the safety of having somebody look after her – as her parents were unable to. She became Jake's playmate and ultimately, was rejected and used for the umpteenth time. Effy's life seemed to have become a viscious circle of games that constantly tested self-worth. This all ends when she puts the truth and her own morality before love and lust, which I think is a defining point for her character. It took a lot of baby steps to get there, but I'd like to believe that what I have written post-RISE when she gets into the cab actually defines the woman she has become now and where her heart has always been – in the right place. _


	2. Introduction - Cook

**I didn't know that I could kill a man.**

Yet here I stand, face and hands thick with blood. Like tears; wires snaking down my skin, burning into me, mixing with my own. The bruises; they're external. All of the pain comes from inside of me. Like a fire, from the inside out. Like I'm burning to ash. Nothing else compares. It means nothin'.

I'm a lot of things.

A cheat, a whore, a shitbag, a waste of space, a complete muggins – even a criminal. But a murderer? A cold blooded killer? Nah, it didn't sit right. Fist fights and broken knuckles; all feels like soft porn now. I'd put people in hospital, even in a fucking coma - but a grave? I dunno man, it changed me.

I did it for Freddie.

Of course I did. I've got nothing – no one now. What more is left for me to lose but my life? So tell me, if there's any fucking justice in this dirty little world, why did he pay that price? There was still so much inside of that boy. I'm already burning out.

I loved him. Properly, more than I've ever loved anybody. Him and JJ, they completed something beneath the surface. They fixed whatever was broken. They kept me together; kept me caged.

I couldn't stand it – when they turned their backs on me. I couldn't fucking stand it. All of that love and loyalty gone. Diminished like smoke and embers. History repeating itself. All of that shit, it just proved to me that my life is a vicious cycle. It won't stop.

But I still loved them. I still loved him. Freddie. I gave him all of me, every fucking thing. I didn't ask for anything back. That's real love, ya know? That's when you know it's real. You don't expect anything in return.

He was the guide I never had. The person I always wanted to be, but couldn't. Sensible. A dosser, granted – but a good head on his shoulders. Would look out for me. Tell me when I took too much, got too deep. Friendly hands pulling me up. Gentle reassurance. Not much drive, but so much passion. A hunger for something - a hunger in his eyes.

Now there's nothing left of him. Fragments. Just bits. That sick cunt made sure of that. Made sure that nobody could recognise him if they found him.

But I'd always know. I'd always feel it – sense it – ya know? He was a part of me. He _is_ a part of me. A part that terrifies the life out of me because he was the truth.

He was the truth.

And I should have been there. I should have helped him. I was strong where he was weak. It should have been me. It fucking should have been me.

**I didn't know I could kill a man.**

**Yet, I killed two.**


	3. Chapter One - Cook

I had to think on my feet and quickly. I was a wanted man, always would be. Just not in the way I'd ever hoped.

Puzzle pieces scrapped it out around my head. Mixed messages and questions fired around my brain, tripping me out. I still had Foster's lifeless body in my hands. Hands that were shaking uncontrollably.

I dropped the corpse; crouched to my knees. Nobody would come for him, or would they? This lonely, twisted middle-aged therapist. Who would visit? Did he have children? Who would notice he'd disappeared?

I didn't want to think about him anymore. I didn't want to waste my thoughts on the psychopath that had mashed in my best mate. But I had to. I needed a strategy if I was ever going to get far away enough before somebody, somewhere started to piece it all together.

I knew the law would catch up with him one day. They would find me eventually. That's how life works. You splash about and you get wet. I just needed a head start - and a pretty fucking significant one.

I knew I had to leave Bristol that night. I had a couple of hours tops before the feds would start sniffing around the pack. Karen had reported Freddie as a missing person. They would want to talk to his family. To JJ and Effy. To all of us.

I had to get out. There was so much left to fix, but only one person could do that now. The only person left.

I must have been at Foster's for hours 'cause the sun was rising as she opened the door. Wide eyed and wired. A hot mess.

She took a minute; took it in. The torn shirt, the dirt and the blood. So much fucking blood.

'What's wrong?'

'I need you to do something for me, Naomi. A real big fucking favour.'

'Cook, you're scaring me.'

I looked down at myself; worse than I thought. 'Don't worry about this. It's sorted, it's all over.'

'What's over?'

She was trembling. Fuck, how I didn't want to do it. The pain at having to say his name.

'Freddie, Naomi. He's gone. It's finished.'

Her breathing, ragged. It cut into me like ice, like venom.

'What happened to him, Cook?'

'Foster fucked him, didn't he? Sniped the poor cunt.'

'Are you okay?'

'No. No, I don't think I'll ever be – but that doesn't matter, alright? You need to look after her.'

Naomi nodded wordlessly.

'But you can't tell her. You can't tell anybody.'

'Cook, you can't ask me to do that.'

'She's got fuck all else, Naomi and you know it. She's hanging on to every inch of him. If she finds out, it will kill her, literally.'

'Cook, I don't know. I've only just got my own fucking life in order –'

'But you're still alive, Naomi. You and your bird – got the whole fucking world ahead of you. Effy doesn't have that anymore. And besides, you owe me. If it weren't for me your sorry minge would be locked away underground somewhere'.

I didn't want to do it. Fucking hated using the guilt trip, the fucking trump card. But I'd do anything, use anyone to make sure that she was safe.

'Okay.'

'Promise me, Naomi. '

'I promise.'

'And you've got to get her out of here. Keep her on her meds and that. Help her forget him – and forget me. She stays here and shit will kick off, word will be all over the street.'

'What about his family, Cook?'

'Like I said, you keep it schtum. Let them hope, alright? S'what Freds would've wanted.'

'You fucked him then? Foster?'

I nodded. 'Just protect her, Naomi. Please do that.'

'What are you going to do, Cook?' Although she already knew. 'This is the end isn't it?'

I shrugged. 'Naomi, I'm sorry'.

She put her arms around me then and held me tight to her. Kissed the bruise on my temple. I'd fucking miss her smell.

'Be careful, Cook'.

I smiled into her shoulder as tears betrayed my eyes.

'Never'.


	4. Chapter Two - Effy

The sound of broken glass woke me, then the profanities that followed. I was still in the shed; must have been there for hours. Everyone else had pissed off, bar one.

'Karen?'

She was sitting on the floor beneath me, leg outstretched. 'Fuck sake. It's in my foot. Fucking beer bottle in my foot. What bell end left that there?'

I shifted on the sofa, rubbing my eyes. The shed smelled of ash and musk and really cheap cologne. It smelled like home. 'I'll get some help.'

She sniggered then. Turned to face me before I could move. 'You're the one who fucking needs it.'

Her eyes were on fire. They burned holes through my chest. I didn't want to look into them, but I did. Fire fighting Ice.

'Yeah. You're right.'

'No, don't do that. Don't play the fucking diplomat with me. Might fool the rest of them, all doe eyed over you – but not me. And not Freddie. He knows exactly what you are and that's why he fucked off'.

It stung. Her words were like arrows penetrating every little inch of me. Tearing the skin from my bones. Snapping at the nerves.

'I'm sorry, Karen.'

'You knew. You know what he's been through, what happened to our Mum. You're sick, to do that to him. They should lock you up.'

'They did.'

'Then go back! Stay away from my family. You've done enough damage.'

Silence. I tried to steel myself, but I was sick of it. I was sick of swallowing my feelings with pills and textbook therapy. I felt like I had aged overnight. I felt old; sallow and wasted. I held my eyelids shut, keeping the tears captive.

'Contrary to what you might believe, Karen – I love your brother.' I stood. 'You don't know much about me, not anything in fact; but I've never loved anybody like that. Not even Tony, who means the world to me.' She started. 'See, I get it Karen. I have a brother too, and he left me behind. Just like Freddie has to you. I understand that pain, and not knowing the logic behind it must be awful. But _you _don't have to spend every minute of that separation knowing that it was your fault. I don't need reminding.'

I stepped over her and made to leave.

'Effy? Wait; I've still got glass in my foot.'

* * *

I was on my knees, picking tiny shards out of Karen's soles with a pair of tweezers. Some fucking double act we'd become. Was this our idea of bonding?

'I'm sorry. Sometimes it's hard to remember that I'm not the only one who loves him.'

I smiled, gently. 'I know the feeling.'

'What's he like? Tony.'

'I remember what he _was _like. I haven't seen him for a while now. Time changes everyone.'

'He didn't come – I mean, when you tried to –'

'Mum didn't tell him - or my Dad. I told her not to.'

'Why?'

I shrugged. Truth is, they didn't matter anymore. They'd so easily up and left me. If they'd cared at all, they would have stuck around and seen it happen for themselves. But Tony had his shiny new life ahead of him; Dad was still using me as a pawn in his divorce. I was tired of them. They weren't my family, not really. They didn't care the way that Freddie's family cared. They had been there every step of the way.

'You don't trust anybody, do you? You don't trust them with your thoughts.'

'I trusted Freddie. But then, he's fucked off just like everybody else. Got too much for him too, it seems.'

'I want to find him, Effy. I need to find him.'

I stopped to look at her. The purple bags beneath her eyes. The lifeless colour to her skin. Pathetic in the true sense of the word. She needed him. How one person could have such an impact on so many lives. It astonished me. It felt so foreign to care, but the people around me did it so easily.

'He'll come back.'

'You don't know that.'

'Yes, I do. He wouldn't leave you behind, Karen.'

She looked at me then; an exhausted, pleading stare.

'I wish we could be friends, Effy.'

I met her gaze. Her face; the resemblance. I'd never noticed it before. She was just as beautiful, just as fragile. My voice caught in my throat.

'Me too.'

* * *

I reluctantly returned to the house. I could never call it home because it didn't feel that way anymore. Everything had been stripped bare. My memories were still trying to configure themselves after Foster's treatment. I no longer had an emotional attachment to the place. All of the people I had loved had left. There was nothing left for me there.

Nothing except a bottled blonde on the curb.

'Naomi?'

She jumped up. 'Oh, there you are! Been looking for you.'

'Why?'

'Just wanted to ask you something.'

We sat by the lake. I watched the shadows of the trees dance within the water. I still couldn't believe I'd never noticed it before now. Oh, how my life had become consumed with the wrong priorities.

'You want me to move in?'

She nodded, over enthusiastically.

'Are you sure?'

'Positive.'

'Won't I be interrupting the lesbian love nest?'

'Emily thinks it's a splendid idea. Her and Katie are fucking off to Goa on that holiday anyway; spending some quality twin time.'

'Didn't you buy those tickets?'

'What Katie-Kins wants!'

We sniggered.

'No, I just felt it was the right thing to do. She's had a tough year – well we've all had a tough year. You more than anyone.'

'What's happened?'

'She can't have kids, Effy.'

'Shit.'

'But don't worry. You're still on top. Attempted suicide is the deal breaker after all.'

I felt so awful. After our awkward man-to-man at the hen party, I had genuine regard for Katie. So much shit was still swimming between us, but she was just lost. Just lost. I knew that feeling all too well.

'So, will you accept my offer?'

'You're sure?'

'Yes, I'm bloody sure! What's the worst that could happen? You turn gay and I'll go mad?'

'Sounds fair.'

'Is that a yes? Great.'

She picked at the ankle strap of her shoe. I watched her, suspicion creeping it's way into my mind. Or was it paranoia? I didn't know where my thoughts were at any more.

'Why are you doing this, Naomi?'

'Well, clearly Emily and I need a mediator – and/or psychologist. You seem to qualify?'

'Seriously.'

She sighed. Looked out over the water. She too was losing her glow. Everything was draining from us. We had the whole world at our feet, yet we were stuck in our current state, locked within our shells. We had all given up. All lost the fight.

'Just figured you wouldn't want to be locked up with that fruit bat of a Mother you have. Shoving pills down your throat can't be much fun – well, not your kind anyway. Thought you might want some teenage normality around you.'

Forever the wise owl. I think she was the only person who had ever understood me. We had a lot in common, Naomi and I. Constantly battling our instincts, pushing them out. Hiding. Frozen feelings. Both bitches. But hearts the size of watermelons. I loved her. I did. I genuinely loved Naomi.

'Thanks.'

She smiled at me, gently nudged my arm.

'Anytime.'


	5. Chapter Three - Cook

Keith bought me some breakfast from the offie; bottle of vodka and a grey looking pasty. I'd had to burn my shirt and leave it in the skip, evidence and all that. Keith lent me a sweat, ten sizes too big. I was drowning in it. I was just drowning.

'Ah, my sweet boy - an outlaw. Was only a matter of time, eh?'

'Thanks for the car, Keith.' I rubbed the bonnet. Piece of shit, it was. Scrap metal, falling apart – but it would do the job. It would get me far enough.

'Not a problem, Cooko. It's stolen. Clean record. Completely off the radar. You drive in this until the early hours of tomorrow and then wherever you end up, dump it and start again. Alright? '

'No worries.'

'Now, I'd head north. So much shit going on up there you'll be a needle in a haystack. I've got a friend in Birmingham that will help you out when you get there. I've give him a bell. You'll make it?'

'You bet.' I took the keys from him; revved the engine.

'Cook?' I looked up at him. 'Try and stay out of trouble now, okay?'

'I've had enough for a lifetime, Keith. No doubting.'

'Right.' He leant in through the window. 'Well, here's something for the road.'

Packet of pills. I swallowed them all.

* * *

I parked the car on the green outside and waited for the little ponces to turn up. I checked the clock. It was nearing eight. I'd have to get a push on.

I didn't dare close my eyes. The pills had worked their magic anyway; I was fired up.

Half an hour later and there he was. Little sod with his socks up by his knees, swinging his lunchbox. Poor brat.

I got out of the car; gave a whistle. He spotted me, his little cheeks alight.

'Cookie!' He ran towards me, threw his arms around my waist.

'Hey little man.'

'I thought they put you in the chokey!'

'I escaped, didn't I?'

'Cool!'

I crouched down. 'Nah, it's not good Pads – that's why you gotta keep it on the down low for me, alright?'

'Lips are zipped, Cook!'

'I just came to see ya. Say goodbye and all that.'

'Why? Where are you going?'

'Gotta get out of here, ain't I? Got coppers hunting me down. Need to keep myself out of trouble.' I ruffled his hair. 'And so do you, alright? I know your Mum's a pain in the glutes and she's off her nut, but you love her, don't ya?'

'Of course!'

'And you love me?'

'The best, Cook!'

It cut me up. I swallowed the lump in my throat. 'Then you've gotta be a good boy and look after her, 'kay? And if she asks to see me, if she tries to come to the station, you stop her yeah?'

'Where are you going to go?'

'Dunno yet, Pads. But you know me, I'll figure something out.'

'Will I see you ever?'

I hugged him then, squeezed him dry. 'Paddy! I'm coming back for ya man! When everything dies down, I'm gonna get you out of here, okay? Don't know when, but I'll come back and I'll find ya.'

'I'll miss you!'

'Don't be soft! I'll see ya soon.' I pushed him towards the school; kicked his little but as he walked away. 'And Pads? Don't do drugs.'

'Only weeds!' He whacked up his thumbs.

'Only weeds!' I called back, laughing my tits off. 'Quality.'

I watched him stumble up the steps; found his friends and walked through the doors. Walked away. I didn't know if I'd ever see him again, how could I be sure? But I couldn't tell him that. I'd broken enough hearts in my time. But I would come back for him. I would. I'd come back for him.

I got into the car, swigged from the bottle. Started the engine and drove away. I didn't stop. I didn't turn back.


End file.
